Funerals

Let's talk about funerals. Funerals themselves are a somber event.  People are crying and sad.  I don't do well with that.  I am awkward.  I have no idea what to say so I end up saying nothing.  I'm sorry for you loss is something they hear all the time, do they want to hear it so much?  I don't know.  It makes me nervous.  Especially if it is the funeral of someone I do not know well, but I am there to support family.  Open caskets make me super nervous.  I never know what to do.  Here are some thoughts that go through my head.  - Do I look?  Do I not look?  Do I just stare straight ahead and pretend I can't see the casket.  Oops, I saw it out of the corner of my eye?  Why are there notes and trinkets in there?  Wow, that's a lo of make up. - I just never know how to handle myself.  I think sometimes I come across as unfeeling or rude.  I'm not.  I feel a lot.  I get teary when I don't even know the person.  I feel to much and I don't know how to handle it easily.  As I go through things I am finding how much alike I really am to my middle child who is an introvert and suffers from anxiety and OCD.  It is hard for me to figure this out, but great because I can relate to him and help him figure out coping strategies for when things are hard.   

HOW do they do it?

How in the world do they do it?  I just don't understand.  I am sure they are thinking the same thing about me as well.  Who am I talking about?  Extroverts.  I am an introvert in a mostly extrovert family.  My husband, daughter, and oldest son are the biggest extroverts.  They talk to random strangers, make conversation easily and make it look so easy!  My middle child and I are introverts for real.  It is hard to start conversations, and when we go somewhere new, the wall is our friend.  We don't mind to be alone and, at times, crave quiet days.  There are some days I prefer the company of our cat to human company. 

It has been a crazy busy weekend for us with no down time for me.  Even just hanging out with friends that we have been BEST friends with for 10 years leaves me drained.  When we have weekends where we are on the go pretty much non-stop it is tough!  We left the house early and came home late, many days in a row.  No time to be alone and just chill.

Being alone and lonely are two very different things.  After I get home from work or an outing I like to just relax, and not talk to much.  Its nice to just tune things out and "recharge" before I have to get dinner done or go out again. 

My social SKILLS are great.  I say thank you, please, and can be polite, talk at the right times.  However, it is very draining.  I prefer to sit and listen to conversation rather than be a part of it most times.  It comes off as not caring sometimes, but I prefer that to the awkward way I talk in a group.  I rarely go to social gatherings without my extrovert husband.  With him around he can start the conversation, and I can chime in a couple of times and not be perceived as rude.

I am loud because I am awkward.  Its not being extroverted.  It's not knowing what to do in a situation, so I am loud.

Being introverted when the world wants you to be extroverted is hard.  Period.